Help Your Kids Handle Conflict with Gottman’s Emotion Coaching
As parents, we often find ourselves playing referee when our kids get into conflicts. But what if you could step back from that role and use a different approach to help them manage their disagreements? That’s where Emotion Coaching comes in. With this evidence-based parenting tool, you can guide your children through their conflicts, helping them understand and regulate their emotions. Over time, this will not only make your life easier but also equip your kids with valuable skills they’ll carry into adulthood.
Why Emotion Coaching?
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, including those between siblings or friends. Instead of jumping in to solve every dispute, Emotion Coaching allows you to turn these challenging moments into learning opportunities. By using this method, you’ll help your children develop emotional intelligence, improve their communication skills, and strengthen their relationships.
Though it may take some practice at first, once you and your kids get the hang of Emotion Coaching, it will become second nature. You’ll find that you need to intervene less often, and your children will start resolving conflicts on their own with the tools you’ve taught them.
The Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
Emotion Coaching involves five key steps, as outlined by Dr. John Gottman in his book “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.” Let’s walk through these steps:
Tune In: Start by paying attention to your children’s emotions, even the smaller ones. Notice cues like furrowed brows or clenched fists, which can signal that something is bothering them before the situation escalates.
Make a Choice: Instead of reacting immediately, choose to see these moments as opportunities to connect with your kids. Viewing conflicts as a chance to teach and bond will help you approach them with patience and empathy.
Listen: This step is crucial. Let each child express their side of the story without interrupting. Ask simple questions like, “What’s going on?” After they’ve spoken, reflect back what you’ve heard, showing that you understand their feelings.
Help Them Label Their Emotions: Encourage your children to identify and name their emotions. Instead of telling them how they feel, ask questions like, “How did it feel when that happened?” If they’re struggling to find the right words, offer a few suggestions, such as “Are you feeling frustrated, sad, or disappointed?”
Set Limits and Problem-Solve: Acknowledge their feelings but set limits on their actions. For example, you might say, “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit.” Then, work together to brainstorm alternative ways to handle the situation. Let your child choose the best option, which increases the likelihood they’ll follow through.
Starting Small
You don’t need to implement all five steps at once. Begin by practicing one or two that feel most natural to you. As you and your children become more comfortable, you can gradually incorporate more steps. Over time, you’ll notice that your home feels calmer, and your kids are better equipped to handle their emotions and conflicts.
By using Emotion Coaching, you’re not just resolving today’s arguments—you’re helping your children develop skills that will benefit them throughout their lives. They’ll learn to communicate more effectively, manage their emotions, and build stronger, healthier relationships.
Final Thoughts
Emotion Coaching is a powerful tool for any parent. It takes practice, but the benefits are well worth the effort. By guiding your kids through conflicts with empathy and understanding, you’re teaching them how to navigate the ups and downs of relationships with confidence and emotional intelligence. So next time a conflict arises, put down the referee whistle and pick up the tools of Emotion Coaching—you and your children will both be glad you did.
