Practicing Kindness Even When You’re Upset: A Guide
When you're upset with your someone, it can be incredibly tough to stay kind, but that's when it's most important - especially in close relationships. Research from Dr. Gottman reveals that couples who approach arguments with gentleness are more likely to handle conflicts well without damaging their relationship. In fact, Dr. Gottman can predict the outcome of a relationship with over 90% accuracy based on how couples handle these moments.
In an interview with Atlantic Magazine, Dr. Julie Gottman explains that kindness doesn’t mean you don't express anger, but it influences how you choose to express it. You can lash out, or you can calmly explain why you're hurt and upset, which is the kinder option.
The Importance of Kindness
Kindness isn't just important during arguments; it's essential in your overall behavior in the relationship. When we commit to someone, we usually make a promise to care for them and be the best version of ourselves. Not choosing kindness can hurt both our partners and ourselves, as it undermines our growth and the potential for deeper intimacy.
A relationship is a partnership where both people consciously and eagerly work toward a common goal. Even with life's daily challenges, each partner is responsible for their behavior. While growing together as a couple, it's also important to grow as individuals. This personal growth allows each partner to bring their best self to the relationship.
How to Foster Kindness
Here are three effective ways to develop kindness in your relationship, no matter where your partner is on their journey:
Focus on Positive Thoughts
The way we think shapes how we feel. If you make a habit of thinking positive thoughts about your partner, you'll find it easier to speak and act kindly toward them. Practice noticing the kind things your partner does, no matter how small, and let them know you appreciate it. This helps maintain what Dr. John Gottman calls the Positive Perspective, a sense of well-being that comes from positive thoughts and interactions.
Take Responsibility
Before sharing your feelings with your partner, take responsibility for understanding them yourself. While anger and frustration are valid emotions, they might be masking deeper feelings like sadness or disappointment. Identifying your true feelings allows you to communicate them in a kinder, more gentle way.
It's tempting to blurt out exactly what's on your mind, but unfiltered words can hurt your partner and make it harder for them to empathize with you. Take some time to process your feelings, perhaps by talking to a therapist or writing them down. This can help you organize your thoughts and approach your partner more effectively.
Stay Hopeful
Believe in your relationship and your commitment to each other. Even though arguments will happen, focus on your friendship. Many couples try to solve all their issues before they can enjoy time together, but it’s difficult to solve problems if you’re not feeling connected.
I often advise couples to spend time together doing something enjoyable, even when they're having conflicts. It's easier to work through issues with someone you consider a friend rather than an adversary. Making time for regular date nights or small acts of kindness can help keep your bond strong.
The Power of Kindness
Ultimately, being kind helps ensure that your partner can truly hear you, even when you're expressing difficult emotions. Kindness is a choice, just like smiling at a stranger or holding a door open. As we practice kindness in our relationships, it becomes easier to remember that our partner is also a human being, experiencing life alongside us. It’s easier to offer them grace and support, recognizing that they’re on the same team, not the opposing one.
If you want more tools to help you manage conflict and improve your relationship, consider subscribing to get a free guide and tips from experts.
